Tuesday, April 7, 2015

53 Completely Rational* Reasons for a Toddler Tantrum

First, I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who read my recent post on Scary Mommy and responded with love and support. I was anxious about how it would be received and anticipated a fair amount of backlash, but the heartfelt words (and even personal testimony) from friends, family, and even total strangers have confirmed, at least in my mind, that it was an important message to get out there. So thank you.

Secondly, given the tone of that post, I figured it'd be nice to lighten things up a bit. Thus, I present:

53 Completely Rational* Reasons for a Toddler Tantrum

* "Rational" is relative, although the relative (aka "Toddler") in question is most likely not rational. But if you're currently dealing with the things on this list, you probably don't have the cognitive reserves to solve brain teasers at this point. Allow me to put it in laymama's terms:

Dis shit be cray-cray.

1. You gave him a whole banana (instead of the usual slices), and he got so excited that he shoved the entire thing down his throat and promptly threw it back up. 

2.  He found one of your “big-girl diapers,” and there was no Elmo on it. (Although the one he dug out of the trash did appear to have something red on it.)

3. He let go of his beloved blankie on a really windy day and thought it was a ghost when it started whipping around in midair.

4. You finally indulged his incessant begging for the spicy jalapeno cashews he sees you pack in Daddy’s lunch. Pretty sure he melted his taste buds.

5. His brother kissed him with a runny nose, and now he’s got a snotstache.

6. You told him the black and white animal in The Grouchy Ladybug is a skunk, not a kitty.

7. It’s Monday.

8. It’s Tuesday.

9. It’s Wednesday.

10. – 13. Are you sensing a pattern here?

14. You didn't let him take a puff of your inhaler.

15. He didn't see any stars in Starbucks. And now he doesn't get to make a wish.

16. It’s not his birthday.

17. It is his birthday. But the cake you made has the wrong kind of sprinkles. He wanted the little line ones, and you got balls. WTF is wrong with you?

18. There are literally ants in his pants.

19. He shit in the tub and got freaked out by the consequent school of brown anal fish swimming around his bathwater.

20. You were out of Hello Kitty fruit snacks, so you gave him Thomas the Train ones instead.

21. You ate the last peanut butter cracker. The one he threw on the floor.

22. The mailman dropped a package at the front door and left without saying goodbye.

23. He couldn't poop.

24. He pooped too much.

25. You wouldn't let him play with his poop.

26. He couldn't balance the toy recycling bin on top of his head for more than two seconds at a time.

27. The kitty ran away when he tried to pull her tail.

28. He doesn't have a tail.

29. Pete the Cat never wore purple shoes.

(Although, unless you misunderstood the color wheel you were taught in kindergarten, he kind of should have. He stepped in strawberries, then immediatesly stepped in blueberries. Red + Blue =

30. You broke the news that his “ice cream truck” Hot Wheels car is actually a mobile home. (You had to end the charade: The last thing you need is your kid running up to some handlebar-mustached creep in a trailer park, asking for his Dilly Bar.)

31. His wailing finally broke you, so you just turned the damn thing into an ice cream truck; however, the stickers you oh-so-cleverly used had ball sprinkles instead of line ones (refer back to #17).

OMG and now he wants a miniature umbrella.
And a cherry.

32. You told him he was pointing at an “8,” not a “B” on the mailbox.

33. It’s “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” not “Twinkle Twinkle Little Car.

34. It’s a Nike symbol on your running shorts, not a moon.

35. It’s “LMNOP,” not “L, M&Ms, and P.” And now he wants M&Ms.

36. It was cat food, not cheerios.

37. It was shaving cream, not whipped cream.

38. It was dog poop, not chocolate.

39. You passed by a red car on your morning run together, and it didn't say “KA-CHOW!” like Lightning McQueen.

40. There was fruit at the bottom of his yogurt.

41. There was yogurt on the bottom of his fruit.

42. He hit his head.

43. He hit his elbow.

44. He hit his brother…who hit him back.

45. Ellen isn't a cartoon. And her jokes aren't funny. There's no farting involved.

46. He climbed onto the windowsill and couldn't get down.

47. His brother gave him a bath crayon suppository in the tub. This would normally be acceptable, but the purple crayon wasn't used. He's so sad that you now haveliterally and figurativelya blue little asshole sitting in your bathtub.**

**He's really not an asshole, probably just acting like one. You likely disapprove of ANYONE calling your kid an ashhole, but the pun was a little too irresistible. 

48. The mannequin at the mall didn't say “hi” back.

49. A ladybug landed on him.

50. The ladybug flew away.

51. You wouldn't let him pinch your nipples.

52. He found out that Candy Land is a board game, not a place. And you won’t even let him eat the pieces.

53. The guy handing out “snacks” in church wouldn't give him one. This guy also said “Bless you,” even though he didn't sneeze. 

We are all going to hell.

BONUS: You wouldn't let him push a million buttons on the keyboard while you were trying to hjifxvjpv9un4pvgijdfkjpotnuptmpu994mumvjr

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