Thursday, April 2, 2015

20 Ways That Raising Your Kids Is Like Star Wars

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

I had the luxury of sitting down for a geektastic 13+ hour Star Wars marathon whenever I had the urge to do so.

Okay, so maybe it was really just a couple of years ago, in the perfectly-molded-to-my-ass indentation in my couch, but it definitely sounds like a life that’s light-years away from the one I have now. When you’re a mom, it’s difficult to find time to take a shit in privacy, let alone indulge in your not-so-secret nerdy pleasures. My days of shameless Star Wars watching are gone, at least until my boys are old enough to appreciate the brilliance of Mr. Lucas’s famous sci-fi franchise.

But the Force is still with me.

Maybe I’m just going through galactic-epicness withdrawal and looking for a fix, but I’ve noticed that there are a lot of similarities between Star Wars and raising kids. In honor of my fellow sci-fi-loving Mamas (if there are any of you out there), I've noted them below (cue “The Imperial March”):

1. The Awkward Sibling Interaction That Makes Everyone Cringe. Most people get a little grossed out when Luke and Leia find out they’re brother and sister after they’ve already kissed. You likely witness some pretty weird exchanges between your own kids that similarly turns people’s stomachs. For example, my son once stuck a finger up his brother’s butt in the bathtub. Maybe it's like that old full-moon-weird-behavior theory: There must be something about being in close proximity to, *erm*, “black holes” that makes siblings act oddly.

2. The Yoda Babble Conundrum. You never know WTF the little one is trying to say. His own language, he has.  Herh herh herh.

3. The Daddy/Wookie Connection. Every once in a while, your big, hairy co-pilot fumbles into the picture and pretends he knows what he’s doing.

And while we’re on the topic of Chewbacca:

4. The Hairy Beast Issue. Feminine grooming? Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

(You're welcome for not including a photo for this one.)

5. The Loud, Annoying Robot Invasion. Star Wars has droids ambling around and BEEP-BOOP-BEEPING at everybody. You have those battery operated nuisances mass-produced by VTech constantly running into you and assaulting your eardrums with unnatural, computerized voices.

6. The Jabba Jiggle. Hello, post-pregnancy body.

7. The Mine’s Bigger-than-Yours Battle. Got boys? Someone’s always whipping out his lightsaber. 

Which brings us to:

8. The It’s-All-Fun-And-Games-Until-Someone-Loses-A-Hand Reality. Luke’s preoccupation with his own lightsaber gives Darth Vader the split second he needs to gain both the upper—and Luke’s—hand when the two of them are prancing around, playing King of Cloud City. This is, like, Mothering 101: If you don’t pay attention, someone's gonna lose an appendage.

(I wonder if Luke's Mom was on The Facebook when his arm got chopped off.)

9. The Melodramatic Acting. This one should be pretty self-explanatory. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, just check out the movie clip below and pay close attention to Luke’s WAH-WAH-WOE-IS-ME reaction. Then tell your kid you ate the last gummy bear.

10. The Daddy’s-Got-Bad-Timing Issue. Just like Darth Vader and his ill-timed “I am your father” revelation, mid-epic-lightsaber duel, Daddy has a tendency to make big announcements at the worst possible moments. These untimely broadcasts often lead to dangerous consequences. You just got your kids' teeth brushed, and they’re finally winding down for bedtime? Well, then:

11. The Executors-of-Evil Squad. Two words: Storm Poopers.

"This is not the groin you're looking for."

12. The Little-Person-Constantly-Hanging-Around-Your-Neck Phenomenon. How often do you find yourself yelling “GET OFF MY BACK!”? I mean, Yoda was always hanging around Luke's neck. (This may refer to a literal or figurative demand.)

13. The I-Can’t-Be-Seen-Like-This Panic. Queen Amidala literally paints her face on when she goes out in public. Welcome to the world of premature aging.

14. The Leia Envy, i.e., The She-Must-Not-Have-Kids Justification. There’s always a bitch who looks better in a bikini.

(No photo will be provided for this one either. We don't need that crap thrown in our faces and making us feel even worse about #4. Or #6.)

15. The Shit-Just-Got-Real Moment. Potty training a toddler? Welcome to the dark side.

16. The “May the Force be with you” Aspiration. Like young Jedi, you long to master the use of the Force, as in, the ability to force your kids to do what you want. Jedi mind tricks would be so useful at bedtime.

17. The Death-by-Trash-Induced-Asphyxiation Threat. Remember that garbage compactor scene in A New Hope? It’s like they filmed it in your kitchen.

18. The Menacing-Hand-Gesture Reflex. Ever find yourself pissed off and tightening your hand into a fist in the air, à la Darth Vader? It probably happens most often when your kid is being particularly whiny. And if Force-choking isn't your go-to, you’re no stranger to flipping the bird behind your back.

19. The DISNEY-TAKES-OVER-EVERYTHING Inevitability. Those of you who are loyal Star Warriors have probably heard by now that Disney has purchased the rights to the Star Wars empire. Shocker. They've already infiltrated your TV, your radio, your vacation destinations, and your kids’ wardrobe choices; why not take over the entire (albeit fictional) galaxy, too? The animation tyrant already has plans to produce at least three more films, and Disney CEO Robert Iger has stated that their long term plan is to release a new Star Wars feature film every two to three years.

In other words, Disney will continue to run the entertainment faction of your life, even when you’re kids have outgrown the singing cartoon stage.**

And on that note, one final way that raising your kids is like Star Wars:

20. It never ends.

**Ok, if I'm being honest, I am kind of obsessed with Disney and am rather looking forward to seeing what it does with Star Wars. It's basically a merging of The Two Greatest Things Ever Created. But my whiny spin on it makes for good reading.

(Sofia image courtesy of Image of goofy looking grown-man courtesy of my camera. All other memes courtesy of


  1. Sci-fi loving mom of twins right here! Loved this post. I've got ten-week old boy/girl twins and am looking forward to reading about your twins antics.

    1. Yes! Nerdies unite! Congrats on the twins! Despite all of the "holy crap, you're gonna have your hands full" hoopla you hear from so many people, having twins is SO MUCH FUN. Mine are two and are currently getting into Pokemon. Ha. I hope that their current love of dorky TV eventually extends to Star Wars. Thanks for reading :)