Wednesday, April 13, 2016

A Translation Guide to Common Toddler Phrases

I love my kids fiercely. Truly, I do. I love them to the moon and back, and to Neptune’s known 14 moons and back, and to wherever the hell my sanity has escaped to and back. But as much as I love them, I often find myself being driven 50 shades of apeshit when they talk to me.

Basically, I’ve learned that you can’t take anything a toddler says at face value. Almost everything that comes out of their mouths has a hidden (usually vindictive) meaning. If doublespeak were a federal crime, my kids would be convicted felons. And I’d be their prison bitch.

I’ve come to refer to this way of talking as “Twat-dler Speak,” for reasons that will become increasingly apparent as you continue reading.

Spoiler alert: It’s not because I make a habit of talking like Tweety Bird.

If the seemingly sweet words spewing from your kid’s mouth seem to be spiked with sour undertones, chances are he or she is speaking Twat-dler. To save you the time and stress of trying to decode the perplexing language of a two-year-old, I’ve taken the liberty of translating a few of the most common Twat-dler phrases that I’ve heard thus far as a parent:

Twat-dler: I’m not tired.

Translation: I am, in fact, so exhausted that I’d probably pass out the moment my little head hits the pillow, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting you have thirty minutes to yourself to salivate over your DVR’ed episodes of Cupcake Wars while stuffing your face with store-bought Cosmic Brownies. So instead, I will force myself to stay awake and then proceed to take out all my crankiness on you.

Twat-dler: No, don’t need to go potty.

Translation: Of course I need to go potty, dipshit. I pretty much always need to go potty. But there’s no way I’m going to do it on that plastic little seat you forked the extra 25 bucks over for because it makes cool car noises. Screw the potty chart stickers. It’s much more rewarding to see the look on your face when I splatter it with shit during diaper changes.

Twat-dler: Big mess.

Translation: I just crapped myself silly, and you better get on that shit (literally). But don’t think for a second I’m not going to kick and squirm the entire time.

Twat-dler: All done! (said after pooping)

Translation: Bitch, please. I’m just getting started. There is SO MUCH MORE SHIT where that came from.

Twat-dler: All done! (said during a meal)

Translation: I’m actually still starving, but I refuse to give you the satisfaction of seeing me eat what is put on my plastic, segmented toddler plate. Instead, I will express my raging hunger in one or more of the following ways: screaming, whining, or chucking this delicious, painstakingly prepared meal you made on the floor, and then laughing maniacally while you clean it up.

Twat-dler: No!

Translation: Yes! Wait, no. I mean, yes!

Twat-dler: Yes!

Translation: No! Wait, yes. I mean, no! HELL NO!

Twat-dler: Night night!

Translation: See you in approximately six minutes when I’ll suddenly become (hungry, thirsty, convinced that my teddy bear is actually alive and evil like Lotso in Toy Story 3).

Twat-dler: I want to go outside!

Translation: Come near me with that bottle of sunscreen and I will literally eat your face.

Twat-dler: I’m sorry.

Translation: I will be repeating this offense again in approximately three seconds.

 Twat-dler: I’m hungry.

Translation: If I don’t get some fruit snacks in the next five seconds, someone’s gonna lose a nipple.

Twat-dler: I’m thirsty.

Translation: I want fruit snacks.

Twat-dler: I want crackers.

Translation: I want fruit snacks.

Twat-dler: I want chicken nuggets.

Translation: I want fruit snacks.

Twat-dler: This is yucky.

Translation: This is not a package of f*cking fruit snacks.

Twat-dler: I want fruit snacks.

Translation: I specifically want (Hello Kitty/Thomas the Train/Despicable Me) fruit snacks. And if you offer me any other kind, someone’s gonna lose a nipple.

Twat-dler: I want (Hello Kitty/Thomas the Train/Despicable Me) fruit snacks.


Twat-dler: Please.

Translation: I really don’t know WTF this word even means, but you grownups are always rewarding me for saying it so I’ll play along. NOW FETCH ME THOSE FRUIT SNACKS, BITCH!

Twat-dler: Thank you.

Translation: You need to go get me more fruit snacks. NOW.

Twat-dler: I love you.

Translation: You are a total sap who allows three little words to brainwash you into submission, forgiveness, and just being a pushover in general. I OWN YOU, WOMAN!

Surprisingly, Google Translate has not yet added Twat-dler to its list of languages. Until it does so, you may want to print this out and stick it on your fridge as a quick guide for babysitters.

And make sure they know where you keep the (Hello Kitty/Thomas the Train/Despicable Me) fruit snacks. Unless they don’t mind putting the money you’re paying them towards nipple reconstruction surgery. 

© 2015 Samantha Wassel, as first published on Sammiches & Psych Meds (under the title “What Your Kid Really Means When They Say…)