I love my kids fiercely. Truly, I do. I love them to the
moon and back, and to Neptune’s known 14 moons and back, and to wherever the
hell my sanity has escaped to and back. But as much as I love them, I often
find myself being driven 50 shades of apeshit when they talk to me.
Basically, I’ve learned that you can’t take anything a toddler says
at face value. Almost everything that comes out of their mouths has a hidden
(usually vindictive) meaning. If doublespeak were a federal crime, my kids
would be convicted felons. And I’d be their prison bitch.
I’ve come to refer to this way of talking as “Twat-dler
Speak,” for reasons that will become increasingly apparent as you continue
reading.
Spoiler alert: It’s not because I make a habit of talking
like Tweety Bird.
If the seemingly sweet words spewing from your kid’s mouth
seem to be spiked with sour undertones, chances are he or she is speaking
Twat-dler. To save you the time and stress of trying to decode the perplexing
language of a two-year-old, I’ve taken the liberty of translating a few of the
most common Twat-dler phrases that I’ve heard thus far as a parent:
Twat-dler: I’m not tired.
Translation: I am, in fact, so exhausted that I’d
probably pass out the moment my little head hits the pillow, but there’s no way
in hell I’m letting you have thirty minutes to yourself to salivate over your
DVR’ed episodes of Cupcake Wars while stuffing your face with
store-bought Cosmic Brownies. So instead, I will force myself to stay awake and
then proceed to take out all my crankiness on you.
Twat-dler: No, don’t need to go potty.
Translation: Of course I need to go potty,
dipshit. I pretty much always need to go potty. But there’s no
way I’m going to do it on that plastic little seat you forked the extra 25
bucks over for because it makes cool car noises. Screw the potty chart
stickers. It’s much more rewarding to see the look on your face when I splatter
it with shit during diaper changes.
Twat-dler: Big mess.
Translation: I just crapped myself silly, and you
better get on that shit (literally). But don’t think for a second I’m not going
to kick and squirm the entire time.
Twat-dler: All done! (said after pooping)
Translation: Bitch, please. I’m just getting started.
There is SO MUCH MORE SHIT where that came from.
Twat-dler: All done! (said during a meal)
Translation: I’m actually still starving, but I
refuse to give you the satisfaction of seeing me eat what is put on my plastic,
segmented toddler plate. Instead, I will express my raging hunger in one or
more of the following ways: screaming, whining, or chucking this delicious,
painstakingly prepared meal you made on the floor, and then laughing maniacally
while you clean it up.
Twat-dler: No!
Translation: Yes! Wait, no. I mean, yes!
Twat-dler: Yes!
Translation: No! Wait, yes. I mean, no! HELL NO!
Twat-dler: Night night!
Translation: See you in approximately six minutes
when I’ll suddenly become (hungry, thirsty, convinced that my teddy bear is
actually alive and evil like Lotso in Toy Story 3).
Twat-dler: I want to go outside!
Translation: Come near me with that bottle of
sunscreen and I will literally eat your face.
Twat-dler: I’m sorry.
Translation: I will be repeating this offense again in approximately three seconds.
Twat-dler: I’m hungry.
Translation: If I don’t get some fruit snacks in the
next five seconds, someone’s gonna lose a nipple.
Twat-dler: I’m thirsty.
Translation: I want fruit snacks.
Twat-dler: I want crackers.
Translation: I want fruit snacks.
Twat-dler: I want chicken nuggets.
Translation: I want fruit snacks.
Twat-dler: This is yucky.
Translation: This is not a package of f*cking fruit
snacks.
Twat-dler: I want fruit snacks.
Translation: I specifically want (Hello Kitty/Thomas
the Train/Despicable Me) fruit snacks. And if you offer me any other
kind, someone’s gonna lose a nipple.
Twat-dler: I want (Hello Kitty/Thomas the Train/Despicable
Me) fruit snacks.
Translation: WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE?
Twat-dler: Please.
Translation: I really don’t know WTF this word even
means, but you grownups are always rewarding me for saying it so I’ll play along.
NOW FETCH ME THOSE FRUIT SNACKS, BITCH!
Twat-dler: Thank you.
Translation: You need to go get me more fruit snacks.
NOW.
Twat-dler: I love you.
Translation: You are a total sap who allows three
little words to brainwash you into submission, forgiveness, and just being a
pushover in general. I OWN YOU, WOMAN!
Surprisingly, Google Translate has not yet added Twat-dler
to its list of languages. Until it does so, you may want to print this out and
stick it on your fridge as a quick guide for babysitters.
And make sure they know where you keep the (Hello Kitty/Thomas
the Train/Despicable Me) fruit snacks. Unless they don’t mind
putting the money you’re paying them towards nipple reconstruction surgery.
© 2015 Samantha Wassel, as first published on Sammiches & Psych Meds (under the title “What Your Kid Really Means When They Say…)
