Monday, April 27, 2015

16 Ironies of Toddlerhood

Toddlers are fickle creatures. One minute they’re leaning in for a kiss, and the next minute they’re trying to gouge out your eyeballs with their gnarly little fingernails. Some days, chicken nuggets are the only things they'll agree to eat, and other days they're the absolute "yuckest" things ever. They have the unique ability to make you want to hug and punch them simultaneously (not that you ever would).

They are snot-dripping, shit-flipping, senseless little human beings.

And raising one is less predictable than your post-partum bowel movements. As the eloquent Oscar Wilde once said, "To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect." (Note that Mr. Wilde was a parent to two boys.) Thus, for the sake of parental intellect everywhere, I've taken the liberty of sharing a few of the "unexpected" things you can expect during the toddler years.

Here are 16 Ironies of Toddlerhood:

1. They can’t keep their mouths shut…until it’s time to brush their teeth.

2. They will only agree to eat cold hot dogs.

3. They make the most impatient "patients" at the doctor’s office.

     *In all fairness, this is not exclusive to toddlers.

4. They scream at you until you agree to read a story, and then don’t listen to a word.

5. They eat their play food and play with their real food.

6. They won’t nap if they’re too tired.

7. They eat a lot of "fruit" snacks. (Mhmm. And Mama sips on "grape juice" at night.)

"Made with REAL Fruit"...and sugar and corn syrup (Oooh! Does that mean we can count it as a vegetable, too?) 

8. The actual term "toddler." This may be applicable for that 2 – 48 hour period of time during which they’re getting familiar with the concept of upright mobility. However, the actual "toddling" phase is disappointingly short-lived. Once they realize they can get around on two feet, it would probably be more appropriate to refer to them as "sprinters" or "bouncers." Or, perhaps, "dart-into-moving-traffic-when-Mama’s-not-paying-attention-ers."

OMG! You mean my feets can be used for something besides kicking Mama when she changes my diaper?

9. Their feet smell and their noses run. Constantly. This one’s cliché but too true not to mention.

10. They poop their pants but freak out if there’s a smudge of (sauce, ketchup, gravy, any unfamiliar substance) on their dinner plate.

I'm talking about that drop of jelly smudged on my bowl of  trail mix.
I'm good with the poopy penis in my diaper.
[via Memegenerator]

11. They can’t color in the lines, but they can pinch your nipples with dead accuracy.

12. The only time they’re interested in sitting on the potty is when Mama has to go: They will insist they have to "make stinkies" the moment you walk into the bathroom, and then leave you bored shitless (literally), while you sit potty-side, waiting for poop that will never come.
This is also one of the few times they'll agree to brush* their teeth.
And they'll want to do it forever.

*By "brush," I mean gnaw on their toothbrushes like termites with a particular concern for dental hygiene.

13. It takes them an hour to pick out which (cookie, toy, juice box, etc.) they want, but they can pick their noses in their sleep (yes, I've seen it done).

14. You can’t get them to habitually say "please" without prompting, but they heard you call someone a little shitwad once and won’t stop saying it.

15. The more they whine, the more you wine.

Unfortunately, you can't put a cork in their variety.

16. They make you tired, cranky, hungry, irrational, pissy, frumpy, and a little certifiable. And you still wouldn't change a thing about them (besides their poopy diapers, at least until they evolve beyond #12).


I mean, who can stay annoyed at faces like that?


  1. Your posts are hilarious! It would be difficult to stay mad at your adorable kids, though.

    1. Thank you so much (for both compliments)! And you're soon as I'm gearing up to completely lose my shit, they do something painstakingly adorable like hug my legs or randomly start singing "Happy Birthday." Thanks for reading!