Tuesday, April 14, 2015

12 Gross Things You Will Probably Do as a Mom

Let’s be real here: Babies are gross. Toddlers are gross.  Adolescents are gross. Teenagers are gross.

Hierarchically speaking, kids are at the top of the gross charts, and when you have one, you become gross by association. It’s a law of nature: Parenting makes you do nasty things.

This phenomenon probably has something to do with the fact that from the moment you push another human being out of your lady bits (a gross process in and of itself), that human being basically does two things for the next 18 years—eat and poop. When you spend the majority of your day handling food and crap (often simultaneously), things are bound to get a little disgusting.

If you’re planning to become a parent—or you already are one—you can go ahead and kiss cleanliness, dignity, and social etiquette goodbye. Here are 12 gross things you will probably do at some point as a mom:

1. Feed your kid mother-bird style. You know what I’m talking about, right? The whole chew-up-and-spit out method? Before your child masters the art of chewing, you will occasionally find yourself needing to break up “tough” food for him. Knives aren’t always the best idea for chronically sleep-deprived moms. If you're not careful, you may end up serving your kid a literal knuckle sandwich instead of that apple you intended to chop up.

Bird-style feeding also reduces the amount of dishes in the sink. And—as an added bonus—a few nibbles of food are bound to get stuck between your teeth, providing you with nutritional rations for later when you’re too exhausted to fix yourself a snack. Still, not everyone appreciates the poetic efficiency of quasi-regurgitated meals, so don’t be surprised if you get some judgy looks when you spit a chunk of apple at your kid’s face.

2. Eat month-old, misshapen, possibly furry M&Ms off the floor of the car. Chocolate is chocolate. Actually, when you’re a mom, chocolate is crack

[via Memegenerator]

3. Use your sleeve as a makeshift baby wipe. You can just throw the “r” in “shirt sleeve” away with the dirty diaper when you’re done.

Oh, it's "button" your shirt cuff?
I thought they meant butt on shirt cuff.

4. Fish poop out of the tub with your bare hands. When your child starts shrieking and pointing at the turds swimming around his bath water like they’re piranhas, instinct kicks in. Ain’t nobody got time for gloves.

5. Change your kid’s diaper on the floor of a public restroom without a changing pad. You gotta do what you gotta do. Luckily, despite widespread misconceptions, research indicates that STIs are highly unlikely to be transmitted in public bathrooms, so you shouldn’t have to worry about your twerp gettin’ the herp. While reassuring, this doesn’t entirely mitigate the “ick” factor. You’ll find that the nastiest bathrooms tend to be the ones without changing tables. Which brings us to:

6. Smear your kid’s poop across a variety of communal surfaces. You’d think that all stores would be required to have changing tables in their restrooms by now. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. If you stumble across one that doesn’t, you may assume it’s an open invitation for you to take matters into your own hands, i.e., onto whatever surface is available. Since most kids act like they’re being water-boarded when they get their diaper changed, your child will inevitably “flip his shit” (so to speak). When you’re done, the manager may end up needing to add a strategic “h” to the “Please do not sit on the furniture” signs posted in front of the mattresses. 

7. Allow your kids to eat food you saw the (cat, dog, parakeet, sibling) licking. There is a direct relationship between the number of kids you have and the exponential growth rate of your grocery bill. You will despise wasting food. You’re not going to rip that PBJ (the one the cat just shit-licked with its toilet paper tongue) out of your kid’s hand once he finally agrees to eat it.

That extra "crunch" in your peanut butter?
Kitty litter.
[via Memegenerator]

8. Allow your kid to eat a chunk of banana (or other food) that his sibling threw up. Kids get sick. A lot. They also fight. A lot. It’s, like, The Universal Law of Siblinghood that one always wants whatever the other one has. You’re not going to intervene when you finally see your children sharing something. Plus, you’ll save on cleanup time.

9. Eat your lunch on the shitter. It has a lockable door, as well as an overhead fan to drown out the screaming. And if your kid knows you have food and don’t plan on sharing, there will be screaming. They have a freakish sixth sense when it comes to parental food consumption.


Besides, when you’re a mom, multitasking is everything. On that note:

10. Lick your kid’s high chair tray. Cleaning via eating? Yes, please.

11. Lick your kid’s face. Refer to #10.


12. Inadvertently eat poop. Shit gets everywhere. And it looks a lot like chocolate (OH GOD CHOCOLATE) (refer to #2) (on the list) (although #2 also works in its colloquial sense here) (as in poop) (Are you tired of parenthetical asides yet?) (too bad).

Oh, and personal hygiene? More like personal “bye”-giene. But the list of bodily nastiness that accompanies motherhood would be ten times this long, and you’ve probably got a high chair tray to take into the shitter and lick clean.


  1. You know that saying " It's funny because it's true"?
    Well I had a great laugh reading this post.
    I love your blog and your sense of humor. I'm a mother of 2 kids and I'm glad to see that I am not the only one who thinks and does things the way I do.
    I look forward to ready more posts of yours.

    1. Thanks for reading! I trust you also have plenty of experience with boogers, but I chose not to include them because they've become so mainstream that they didn't make the "gross" cut. Lol.