Sunday, March 22, 2015

Toddlers Plot Elaborate Easter Bunny Takeover

Dear Grown Ups,

We have hijacked kindly volunteered to take over for the Easter Bunny this year. Below, you will find a list of changes that can be expected this April. 

We feel our plan is of mutual benefit to everyone. And by “everyone,” we do, of course, mean ourselves.

Because making toddlers happy is what Easter’s all about, yo.

1. Instead of hanging out at the mall in all of our mutated, freakishly-large bunny glory, we will be dressing up as moving vehicles and roaming the streets.

Look, we all know how kids feel about that anthropomorphic, unblinking rabbit that tries to lure us into his lap with promises of chocolate and jelly beans. We never understood why you grown ups expect us to just go running into its open (probably clawed) paws.

We once heard of a little boy who sat on an Easter Bunny's lap at the mall, only to have it whisper in his ear, "I eat all da peeps. Especially da little ones dey call da toddlers." True story.

This dated misconception regarding what appeals to kids must die...before we children do (at the paws of the long-eared monstrosity you call a "bunny"). So we'll be renting semi-truck costumes and running up and down busy highways. That's clearly a more logical and appealing option for anyone under the age of 10. After all, what child doesn't feel compelled to sprint towards a speeding vehicle? 

Kids love it when Mama chases them, especially if she makes that really funny, high-pitched shrieking noise while doing it. 

2. All the plastic eggs that we hide will be blue.

Or green. Or purple. Or Razzle Dazzle Rose. Or whatever our favorite color of the day is. Because if they’re not, the world will obviously explode.

3. These plastic eggs will not be filled with candy.

Hiding candy is a cruel, cruel thing to do. We hate it when Mama puts her special dark chocolate in that "secret hiding place" we're not supposed to know about. It's hard work climbing all the way to the top shelf of the pantry to grab the box of "Wheat Thins."

We’ll just leave the candy in a big bowl right next to the kids’ beds, already unwrapped, for easy access. Then we’ll fill the plastic eggs with dirt. That way, when the kids bring them inside to open them, they can sprinkle soil all over the floor that Mama just finished vacuuming in preparation for the big family Easter brunch.

4. In addition to filth-filled, monochromatic plastic eggs, we will also hide real, cooked eggs.

Or, rather, tiny pieces of cooked eggs. In very strategic locations, such as those neat little crevices between the back of the sofa and the cushions, or the various heating vents throughout the house. We want to ensure that the stench of rotting food permeates every room of the house year-round, and that Mama drives herself loony trying to figure out where it's coming from.

Oh, and any leftover egg bits will obviously be ground into the living room carpet or smeared across the kitchen floor, because everyone knows that’s where food belongs.

5. No more chocolate bunnies.

While we are not above biting into something modeled in our own likeness (like a younger sibling), we find the whole bunny-delivering-bunnies thing a little creepy. Besides, bunnies are just so cuuuuuuuuuuuuute (barring, of course, the aberrational freaks discussed in #1)! There are so many of them that we've grown to love: Peter Cottontail, the Velveteen Rabbit, Pat the Bunny, Rabbit from Winnie-the-Pooh. We don’t want people thinking that it’s okay to just chomp the head off of Bugs Bunny. He's got enough on his plate with that right-winged, trigger-happy Elmer Fudd constantly on his tail.

Although...we have heard a few of Daddy's friends say they wouldn't mind taking a bite out of some bunny named Jessica Rabbit. We'd never heard of her until someone showed us a movie clip, and we didn't think she was cute at all. And she wasn't very good at hiding Easter eggs. We could see two huge ones in the front of her dress.

We also heard them saying how much they enjoy reading magazine articles about how to "play" with "Boy Bunny." Or something like that.

Anyway, how about we leave a big basket of “M”s instead? No worries, we’ll be sure to pick out all of the brown ones first. On second thought, maybe it would be better to just leave them in the mix. Then Mama will have something to keep her busy on Easter morning. We know she probably has nothing better to do than color code an entire basket of M&Ms for irrationally demanding toddlers. You know, since she doesn't have a “job” or anything.

6. We’ll be sure to clear up any confusion regarding what Easter is really all about.

Namely, us. And candy. Lots of candy. We will leave a detailed letter to Mama and Daddy, explaining that church is super boring and a waste of time. Well, we can’t really write yet, nor are we very proficient at articulating our feelings verbally, so we’ll just scream at Mama a lot while she's trying to squeeze her squirmy toddlers into cutesy Easter outfits before mass. 

We love Jesus and all, but he doesn't bring us candy. Besides, it’s confusing for kids: The guy at church in the funny looking dress always says that “Jesus delivers us,” but we don’t recall ever receiving any special deliveries from him. The Easter Bunny delivers candy. CANDY. candycandycandy!

7. Speaking of “deliveries,” we will be expecting milk and cookies as compensation for our services.

After all, Santa gets them every year for delivering toys, and, really, eggs require more work, considering how fragile they are. Plus, we have to hide them. Santa doesn't hide anything, except maybe his stress level (via the emotional eating of mass quantities of baked goods). It’s really not fair that he gets cookies every year. The Easter Bunny deserves some, too.

Just nothing with nuts. Or oatmeal. Or chunks. Or crunchies. Actually, maybe you should just stick with Oreos. But please be sure to remove the cookie part.

8. While we’re on the topic of food, let’s get real about that “food” you call carrots.

You expect us to eat that stuff? Yeah. Right. We really don’t care if “all the other bunnies” eat their carrots. The only way we’d even consider carrot consumption is in cake form. And you better not put any of that cream cheese icing crap on it. You know where that stuff will end up? On the floor, with the tiny cooked egg bits.

What is this shit? Vitamin A, huh? "A" for Appalling.

A final note on Peeps:

We understand that there is a lot of controversy surrounding those colorful, chick shaped marshmallows. Apparently they can be a “choking hazard” if consumed in the typical toddler fashion: quickly, and in exorbitant amounts. In the interest of safety, we will agree to deliver these with the understanding that instead of being eaten, they will be comically blown up in the microwave.

Bonus! If Mama finishes sorting the M&Ms sooner than expected, she'll have the task of Peep Guts Removal to fill all those lonely, empty hours. We know. We're so thoughtful.


TBC (Toddler Bunny Crew), out!

Have a Happy Easter, blogophiles! 

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