Monday, March 9, 2015

Ten Foolproof* Ways to Charm** Your Woman***

A How-To for Husbands in Need

Those are some pretty crucial asterisks, so you best check out the footnotes at the bottom of the page.

You know that quote that pops up all over those “positive thinking” sites?

Things like, "It's the little things that make life wonderful"?

(Like chocolate chips. And Xanax. Those are pretty little, right?)

Well, we women eat that shit up almost as ravenously as we do a box of Cosmic Brownies while riding the crimson wave. (Side note: Cosmic Brownies are, after all, a “Little Debbie” product, and they certainly make life wonderful.) 

Sometimes a thoughtful gesture is worth more than jewelry or a box of chocolates (unless, as just discussed, we’re squirtin’ Sriracha; then you can never go wrong with chocolate). I don’t presume to speak for all womankind, but most of the females I know would agree that when their significant others go out of their way to make them feel appreciated, it makes them feel…well…appreciated. And besides the obvious benefit of making your lady feel loved, it might even get you laid. What can I say? It’s hard to resist a thoughtful man.

You know: Throw me a bone, and I might toss you one back. Amirite?

Too far? Probably too far. 

Anyway, even though it really shouldn't be that hard to grasp (well, at least not while holding up your end of the deal...dammit...sorry), I've found that sometimes the “little acts of kindness” concept can be a bit lost on the male species.

Therefore, to help a fella out, I've taken the time to compose a list of Ten Foolproof* Ways to Charm** Your Woman*** (as noted earlier, pay attention to those damn asterisks): 

1. Use her morning coffee cup as a vessel in which to scramble your eggs before cooking them. And don’t wash it out afterward. Then put it back exactly where you found it. You know—that spot on the counter, next to the coffee maker, where she keeps it for easy access in order to expedite the process of getting her morning caffeine fix as she braces herself for a day of tantrums, time-outs, and toddler turds. Really, you're doing a her a favor: She can use that extra protein to sustain her while single-handedly taking care of the kids. I mean, who needs creamer when you've got all that eggy goodness?

2. Give her the gift that keeps on giving: annoying fruit stickers. You know those little stickers that get slapped on a lot of produce? Like apples? Well, after she takes the time to meticulously pack you a well-balanced lunch—mindful to include your apple-a-day to keep the doctor away—make sure you put that sticker on the Tupperware lid that contained your WBJ*. Because she really loves trying to peel that shit off, especially when she doesn't notice it until after the lid has run through the dishwasher, melting the adhesive onto the plastic and requiring a butter knife for total-sticker-removal.

Please don’t be reckless by just carelessly tossing that singularly fascinating food label in the trash. Because then what will she have to do once the kids are in bed?

Genesis 3:6.5: "And after Adam had eaten the apple, he considerately returned the sticker to Eve. And then blamed her for everything."

*Walnut-Butter and Jelly sandwich. Yup. HOMEMADE WALNUT BUTTER. She can’t have that obviously over-sized heart of yours seizing up on her due to an Omega-3-deficiency.

2.1 While you’re at it, bring the apple core back home, too. That way she can just wave her magic wand and turn it back into a full apple while cleaning out your lunchbox and repacking it for the next day. After all, you know how much she loves Harry Potter, so what better way to say “I support you” than by helping her hone her wizarding skills? 

Oh, and then for good measure, tell her she looks a lot like Voldemort. He was super good at magic. She’ll be flattered.

3. Make sure she knows exactly how you take your coffee. This will simplify things the next time you’re staying at a hotel with your toddlers, and she gets up at the ass crack of dawn to get her workout in before they wake up. If she knows your coffee order by heart, there will be no need to remind her that you actually take two honeys when she brings you some on her way back from the workout room. (Obviously, the gesture itself isn't sweet enough.) You don’t want her making the same mistake twice. This will spare her future humiliation. She’s probably already embarrassed about parading around the communal breakfast area in a sweaty, hot pink running skirt. You don’t want to add another layer of indignity.

And just think how happy she’ll be to bring you sufficiently-sweetened coffee on her first try next time! She’ll be beaming with pride! And you know what they say about a confident woman...maybe she’ll offer to put that hotel bed to good use!

4. When she asks for a leg rub, whine about it and tell her that her legs are like big fat tree roots. Yup. Make sure you use those exact words: Big. FAT. Tree roots. A woman loves to hear the words “big” and “fat” in an adjectival phrase alluding to any part of her body.

5. Eat whatever the hell you want and still look more ripped than a current off the coast of Zipolite Beach. She loves watching you inhale an entire frozen pizza in one sitting and then chasing it down with a couple of candy bars, your six pack flexing through your shirt with the effort of your shameless chewing. Not everyone gets her own live-version mash-up of Man vs Food and The Bachelor. It will give her something to do while she curls up on the couch and crunches her way through that plate of carrot sticks. In addition to providing hours of entertainment, you'll also be doing her a favor by eliminating all of the chocolate in the house: You both know that if she took a bite of that candy bar, she’d look like she had a fetal Baby Ruth in her stomach.

6. This one goes without saying, but it’s so crucial that I’ll say it anyway: Never, ever, under any circumstances, change the toilet paper roll. Make sure you always leave just one square left on it, because that’s obviously more than she could ever need to wipe her ass. You know, since:

Besides, you want your wife to be prepared in case there comes a day when you’re not around. She’s been asking you to teach her how to back up the computer files, and this really isn't all that different. There are some things she needs to know how to do herself. Make sure you tell her that. And then say you're supporting her feminazism.

If circumstances are dire, and you absolutely must change the roll yourself, make sure to position it in the under orientation. Women love it when the men in their lives spice things up a bit. She wants excitement? She wants topsy-turvy? Mind-blowingly wild? BAM! That oughta do it. 

7. When the kids are finally quiet and occupied, and she uses that rare moment to kindly offer you sex, jut your pelvis back and forth seductively and say, “You mean…rock and roll?” Because, really, there is nothing in the world more appealing than the prospect of making love to a horny teenager trapped in a full-grown man’s body. Remember Big? That wasn't awkward at all.

This is what you feel like:


This is what you look like:

While you’re at it, please get the bowl cut, too. SOFREAKINGHOT.

8. Don't compliment her baking. After she dedicates the afternoon to making brownies from scratch while the kids run around her feet, repeatedly pulling her pants down and begging for more batter, don’t mention how delicious they are. In fact, don't mention them at all. There’s no need for coddling.

Then buy one of those instant microwaveable brownies next time you’re at the grocery store. Make sure you tell her how “delectable” it is when you eat it.

9. When she tells you that she’s been having trouble sleeping, revamp your diet to include a lot of garlicky foods. Or use your lunch hour to go try out that new taco place everyone’s been raving about. She needs help falling asleep? What could be more effective than turning the bedroom into her own private gas chamber?

Bonus: Your scent is so overpowering that she'll no longer need to waste money on those stupid Yankee candles. You know the ones I'm talking about. They make your house smell like she kidnapped Little Debbie and is holding her hostage somewhere in the ventilation system. 

10. When you shower, point the shower head all the way up, and make sure you leave it in that position when you’re done. That way, when she turns the shower on, the water will spray all over the opposite wall and flood the bathroom floor. I mean, she shrieks withwhat you presume to bedelight whenever the kids splash water out of the bathtub, so why wouldn't she be thrilled when her "grown-up" of a husband does it, too? You both know the floor needs a good cleaning anyway. This will help her conquer the art of multitasking: She’s getting a shower and washing the bathroom floor, all in one fell swoop!

Bonus tip for "that time of the month": If she turns you down in the bedroom because she’s on her period, thoughtfully offer to “lay down some newspaper.” Seriously. How freaking considerate of you! There’s nothing she loves more than feeling like your actual little bitch.

Whatever you do, don't take the "easy" way out by just going to the store and buying her that damn box of Cosmic Brownies she's been asking for.


*Foolproof: as in, proof that you are a fool. A complete and utter foolishly foolish fool. That’s right fool³, baby.

**To be fair, if my husband were to make a list like this about me, a “top ten” format probably wouldn't cut it.

***Also, I could just as easily have written a real list of ways for a man to charm his woman (from personal experience): It likely would have been much longer. And much less entertaining. Possibly a little vomit-inducing, like how you feel after eating too many peeps (as in, the Easter candy, not the colloquial term for "people"; this blog does not endorse the practice of cannibalism).

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