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Friday, March 27, 2015

MF, Reincarnated

Loyal Followers of Da Blog:

There is an MF3.

If you are NOT an LFoDB and have no idea WTF I’m talking about, you can read about my experience with MF1 and MF2 here.

(I apologize for all the initials, but I’m super tired of having to spell things out for people. Like how NOT EVERYBODY can get pregnant by dipping her pinky finger in a used condom.)

This woman—MF3—like her predecessors, thought the middle of a crowded playground was the ideal place to flaunt both her fertility and her total disregard for what a gift it is. Why is it that these ungrateful baby-factories tend to flock to the playground like vultures, waiting to pick away at what little patience and self-control I have left? I swear, one of these days, someone's gonna get titty-twistered.

I first overheard MF3 talking to a group of ladies about her affinity for energy drinks (red flag #1), how she actually enjoyed living in Texas (red flag #2), and her sincere hope that her husband would get her pregnant and then deploy (red f***ing parachute).

I’ll spare you all the infuriating niceties of the conversation and skip straight to the kicker—that made me want to kick-HER. In the ovaries:

“The last thing I want is to get pregnant with a boy.”

Cue my jaw dropping to the rubber surface of the playground, bouncing back up, and knocking me unconscious.

Seriously? That is the LAST THING you want? Look, I understand that some people who are trying to get pregnant are kind of hoping for a specific gender, but to say that a baby boy is the LAST THING you want? I’d come up with a proper insult, but my brain cells are too busy taking kamikaze dives at the temporal bones of my skull to form one befitting the asininity of that remark (which would also explain the migraine).

Look, lady, I’m pretty sure there are worse things in life than having a boy. If you ask me, there really isn’t anything better in life than having a boy (except maybe having two). I don’t presume to know you, so maybe I’m off-base here. But just to give you some perspective, here are 15 things I’m pretty sure you want to do LESS than “get pregnant with a boy”:

1. Cuddle with a box jellyfish.

2. Spend the night in a port-a-potty outside of a taco convention.

3. Share a few eskimo kisses with a star-nosed mole.

4. Mistake the dead fly that landed in your cookie dough for a raisin.

5. Give yourself a hydrochloric acid enema. Oh yeah, feel the burn!

6. Use a leech as a makeshift tampon.

7. Have sex with Beldar Conehead.

8. Have your eyeballs gouged out and eaten by a naked mole rat, and then be forced to watch as they pass through its anal sphincter.

9. Make out with a coprophagiac.

10. Get pregnant with a girl
      …sea urchin. Have fun pushing that out of your vagina.

11. Kiss a cockroach.

12. Eat a cockroach.

13. Poop out a cockroach.

14. Be a cockroach and have cockroach sex with another cockroach.

It's a cockrORGY!
[via Pixabay]


Oh, yeah, and, umm…

15. Deal with infertility issues.

Oh! Bonus! Set off a woman with infertility issues. I may just sick my demon male spawn on you.

4 comments:

  1. I am the person who wrote the article about pregnancy pranks on BLUNTmoms. I just wanted to let you know that I have dropped by and I did really like this post. :)

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  2. Love this! Totally fell your pain. I despise having conversations with fertile myrtles.

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    Replies
    1. In her defense, I wasn't conversing with her, just "overhearing." Usually when I'm talking to people who know I have issues, they're not so bluntly ungrateful for what they have.

      Sorry you have similar issues. Infertility is the pits.

      On a happier note, I'm officially OBSESSED with your username. Haha. Not sure if you've checked out any of my other posts, but I'm a bit of a Potterhead :)

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