It was recently brought to my attention by a few blog
commenters that baking cookies with my kids is an unhealthy choice of activity.
Actually, I think the exact word used was “destructive.” Basically, I’d shared
a post recounting
a “fat day,” on which the shadow of my eating disorder was being a particular
bitch. Instead of allowing the critical self-talk to send me back into a spiral
of unhealthy behavior, I’d chosen to focus my energies on bonding with my kids.
I mentioned that we baked cookies.
BIG MISTAKE. Apparently, I wasn’t just baking
cookies with my kids. I was setting a poor example for
them by not “loving myself” or “taking care of myself and my body.” I was
teaching them that it’s OK to ignore the inner critic inside of you, the one
that tries to goad you back toward destructive behavior. I was letting them
believe that — gasp! — it’s perfectly acceptable to eat a damn cookie every
once in awhile.
Thank God someone pointed out my misguided thinking. I would
hate to continue to set a poor example for my children. They should probably
know that baking and eating cookies is irresponsible and could land them in the
same position as those hyperbolically overweight humans riding around in
hovercrafts at the end of Wall-E.
This refreshing revelation got me thinking about some of the other “fun” things I do with my kids, and how those activities might negatively affect them in the long run. It seems I’ve been parenting irresponsibly for quite some time now.
What can I say? The road to hell is paved with good
intentions. And, apparently, cookie dough.
For those of you looking to join in on the destructive
parenting trend, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of ways to do so.
Here are 21 activities you should do with your kids if you really want to screw
them up.
1. Bake cookies. If you want them to be fat and
lazy.
2. Take them to the zoo. If you want to teach
them that captivity and bondage are amusing concepts. You might as well just
start reading 50 Shades of Grey to them at bedtime.
3. Fly a kite. If you want to instill a
disrespect for nature. What if it gets stuck in a tree? BOOM. Littering. Or,
worse, what if a bird flies into the string, strangles itself, and dies? You’re
basically raising animal abusers. Before you know it, they’ll be throwing
plastic six-pack rings into the ocean to murder all the dolphins.
4. Push them on the swings. If you’re really stupid.
I mean, whoa. You’re doing two taboo things here: (1) teaching them that it’s
OK — fun, even — to push people, and (2) encouraging them to be “swingers.”
Bullying and sexual promiscuity for the double-win.
5. Allow them to race their Hot Wheels down one of
those plastic racetracks. If you want to bail them out of jail for reckless
driving someday. On that note:
6. Hit up the McDonald’s drive-thru while you’re out
running errands and split a milkshake. If you want them to think it’s cool
to drink and drive.
7. Draw with sidewalk chalk. If you want to raise graffiti-loving hoodlums. If they’re not incarcerated for the reckless driving or a DUI (see above), they may end up in the slammer for defacing public property.
8. Build a fort. If you want to mold them
into deranged sociopaths by encouraging seclusion and unhealthy antisocial
behavior.
9. Take them to the library and let them pick
out a few books. If you want to raise shoplifters.
10. Play dress up. If you want to lay the
foundation for a life dedicated to sleazy identity theft.
11. Take them to a fast food place with a play area
and allow them to hang out in the ball pit. If you want them to know
it’s cool to play with someone else’s balls. IN PUBLIC.
12. Play a card game together. If
you want them to end up in Gamblers Anonymous.
13. Play tag and/or hide and seek. If you want
them to learn to hide or run away from their problems.
14. Start a (leaf, stamp, rock, etc.)
collection. If you want to see them on Hoarders: Buried Alive one
day.
15. Play with puppets. If you want
them to think they have the right to speak for someone else.
Note: If you have a son and pretend it’s a girl puppet,
you’ll be raising the quintessential anti-feminist, male chauvinist. You’ll
also be implying that it’s perfectly acceptable to shove his hand up some
random girl’s hoo-ha.
16. Exercise together. If you want
them to develop an unhealthy exercise addiction and body image issues.
17. Push them in the stroller. If you want them to grow up to be lazy bums always looking for a free ride.
18. Play Simon Says. If you want to raise
little dictators. Better yet, just change the name of the game to Adolf Says.
19. Plant a garden. If you want to inspire
them to start their own marijuana plantation. You’ll want to really focus
on the weed-pulling aspect.
20. Go for a bike ride. If you want them to
join a motorcycle gang when they’re older.
21. Write a bitchy, satirical article exposing the
ludicrousness of some random sanctimommy’s unsolicited advice. If you
want to teach them not to give a f*ck about what other people think.
(This one won’t actually screw them up … I hope.)
© 2015 Samantha Wassel, as first published on Scary Mommy
I absolutely LOVE this. There are far too many wing nuts throwing out the most idiotic comments!
ReplyDeleteAgreed! Lol. Thanks for reading :)
Deletenice
ReplyDeletei am an avid reader of your articles none of them has ever disappointed keep up the good job sam looking forward to your next article i draw lots of inspiration from your writing
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