Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Five Diapers You Meet When Your Kid is Constipated

Sometimes my kids are full of shit. Like, actual shit. And no matter how much they grunt, push, and wiggle their little toddler hips, they just can’t seem to shake it out.

I know I’m in for trouble when little Ollie starts rocking on his heels, his hips jutting back and forth sporadically like a mini Danny Zuko with a lego up his ass, moaning “Diiiiiinky.”

Surely I can’t be the only mom with an occasionally anal-retentive toddler. (Can I get an “Amen!”? Or possibly a tot-sized enema?)

When your kid is constipated, everyone suffers. And by everyone, I mean you. Not only is it painful to see your child grimacing and writhing around because he can’t get his shit together, but his uncooperative excretory system becomes the center of your entire day. If his bowels don’t move, no one moves.

Have to go to the store? You can’t. He’s trying to poop. Want to sneak off to take a quick shower? Sorry, he’s just about to poop. Need to make a phone call? Good luck hearing anything over your kid shrieking about how much he needs to poop.

The thing that sucks most about all this is that when your kid’s still in diapers, you’re the one having to constantly check, change, and chuck them. You are the Maid of Mudpies, the Queen of Caca, the Disposer of Doo-Doo.

Unfortunately, constipation typically doesn’t end with one singularly disgusting blow-out. It resolves itself in stages. Here are five diapers you can expect to encounter once your backed-up kid finally gets the shit show started:

1.  The “Gotcha” Diaper. Sometimes the putridly sweet, telltale scent of banana-and-fishy-cracker-infested crap hits your nose, and you’re certain that your kid has finally taken a dump. He even insists that he pooped. Relieved that the defecation drama is finally over, you grab the wipes and a clean diaper, and pray to find a nicely formed, bowel-baked keester cake resting beneath his buttocks.

SURPRISE! It was just gas. You are staring at a perfectly pristine diaper.

via memegenerator

And now your kid’s uncomfortable squirming is even more troublesome, as it is preventing you from putting said diaper back on.

2. The Tick Turd Diaper. When your kid’s been constipated for a while, the first fecal matter he starts shedding is this itsy bitsy teenie weenie hella-not-a-lot shitini*. We’re talking so small, it doesn’t even warrant the term “pellets.”

*This would actually make a pretty catchy parody.

Have you ever tried to kill a tick? It’s nearly impossible. Their outer shells are ridiculously hard (also, coincidentally, brown). Ticks have a tendency to latch on to things, or hide in little crevices and hard-to-reach skin folds. Sometimes you find them lurking in your hair or on your clothing hours after you thought you’d rid yourself of them. They’re also tiny. Very. Freaking. Tiny.

Imagine a diaper filled with copious amounts of ticks that smell like they bathed in hydrogen sulfide. Now imagine changing that diaper while your kid is flailing his legs about like a ballerina with tourettes, effectively hurling them onto every surface within a three foot radius, where they'll inevitably latch and burrow in.

3. The Skid Mark. This happens when your kid is prairie doggin’ it. That poop is like a little shitterfly that just can’t quite burst from its anal cocoon: It emerges and retreats repeatedly, leaving a tiny trail of brown (sometimes green—or, if you’re kid’s got hemorrhoids—a little red) behind as evidence of its escape efforts. This one's a fairly easy cleanup.

(Let’s be honest: “The Skid” is not exclusive to kids. We moms do a lot of laundry. We see things.)

4. The Cocoa Powder Diaper. Before your kid finally poops, he will sometimes manage a little “squirt.” The problem with the squirt is that it’s hard to catch right away. Your child usually doesn’t even notice that it’s happening, as it tends to eek out during a sneeze, a cough, or the hysterical laughter that always accompanies a kid’s fart. If you don’t catch a squirt in its original consistency, it dries into a disgusting powdery substance that gets trapped in all of your kid’s nooks and crannies.

Often, if you even manage to get at it with a baby wipe, all you end up doing is spreading it. If you’ve ever spilled cocoa powder while baking and tried to wipe it up with a sponge, you know what I’m talking about. It stains everything it touches, and sometimes you accidentally inhale some of the particles that are sent airborne during your cleaning efforts.

Don’t be surprised if you’re sneezing out shit for a day or two.  (Ahh….ahhh….ahpoo!)

*Note that poop found in the "Cocoa Powder Diaper" kinda looks like brown crack. 
Apropos, considering its source of origin.

5. The Paradoxical Hallelujah!/Holy Shit! Diaper. This marks the end of your excremental journey, and it will be filled with relief (for you and your kid), horror, and poop. Lots of poop. You can expect it to arrive within ½ to six hours of pumping your kid with fiber gummies and the “special pink candy” otherwise known as chewable Pedialax tablets. You can also expect it to look like the chocolate river in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Just don’t expect it to smell like it. And try to keep your little Oompa Loompa from playing in it, or he might end up shoving his hard-fought accomplishment in your face.

After dealing with a constipated kid all day, you’ll probably want to get shitfaced. Just not that way.

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