Things That Might Make Trimming Your Toddler’s Nails Slightly Less Excruciating

Once your kid hits the Terrible Twos, attempting to trim his fingernails is kind of like finding yourself immersed in a Kiddieland version of Jurassic Park. Quasi-ultrasonic raptor screeching? Check. Thrashing pterodactyl claws? Check. The compulsion to latch on to an electrical fence (remember poor Timmy)? Bigfatfreakingcheck.

The stress of it all can be so overwhelming that it sometimes propels you into your own spiral of “Terrible Twos”—the kind that send you running to the bathroom like a T-Rex is chasing you down.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could save yourself (and your bowels) the shart-ache of toddler-nail-clipping with just a few simple tools? If you’re adamantly nodding your head yes like a creepy bobble-head right now, consider the list of such tools provided below: 

Earplugs. For obvious reasons. If you’d prefer to stop the shrieking at its source, you could opt for duct tape; it would be equally effective, and probably a little more satisfying to apply.

Goggles. Unless you enjoy having tiny, crescent-moon shaped fingernail shards piercing your retinas.

Nail clippers designed to look like electrical outlets. He seems to take no issue with jamming his overgrown talons into those.

Football helmet. This would be of particular use during “kickoff,” i.e., when your kid starts flinging his feet around like a donkey with tourettes. If you don’t have a lot of “natural” padding (which you likely don’t, since you’re forced to engage in regular vigorous toddler wrestling just to get a damn pinkie nail clipped), you might as well go for full body gear. Also, you may consider a cup in your “end zone” if you don’t want a foot up your uterus.

If the prospect of trimming more toddler nails in the future makes a botched hysterectomy sound sort of appealing, you could skip the cup.

Daddy. Seriously. Where the hell is Daddy? How does he always happen to be called in to work immediately after you pull out the itty bitty nail clippers?

A tiny straightjacket. Rope is a cheaper option, and a little less likely to wave a big red flag in the face of child protective services when you purchase it. Although, if they do show up at your doorstep, you might want to try handing them the nail clippers and locking them in a room with your kid— padded walls optional, depending on how strongly you want to get your point (or the point of your kid’s claws) across (as in, across that naive CPS worker’s face).

An Asian. Because inappropriate stereotyping. 

Instant Fingernail Removal Powder™. Wait, that’s not a real thing? It needs to be a thing. Someone go make that a thing.

Fingernails are just dead skin cells, right? Can’t Rogaine just, like, reverse its formula or something?

A time machine. One that allows you to go back approximately three years and tell your husband, “Not tonight, honey.”

Kidding! Kidding! (Mostly.)

Wine (or Xanax) (or both). Rationale should be self-evident. Unless, perhaps, you’ve already gone there and can no longer tell your boobs from your butt cheeks.

Since most of these suggestions aren’t exactly practical, responsible, legal, or invented yet, you might consider a little reverse psychology: Allow him to watch Jurassic Park, and tell him that dinosaurs prefer their kiddie-kabobs extra crunchy, so if he wants to let his nails grow out as t-rex bait, you will fully support his efforts.