Monday, February 8, 2016

Experts Reveal the Meaning Behind Moms’ Favorite Valentine Candy

Mamas, have you ever wondered what your favorite Valentine candy reveals about you?*

*Probably not.

Well, wonder no more! Why? Because this year, instead of doing something sappy for Valentine’s Day—like writing my husband an epic love poem or baking my kids heart-shaped sugar cookies—I, your trusty blogger at Between the Monkey Bars, have decided to do something much more practical.*

*Not practical at all.

I hired a team of psychological and sugarlogical experts* to determine the connection between a mom’s candy preferences and her parenting style.

*There was no team. I just sat in front of the computer typing and cackling to myself for a good hour or two.

The results were shocking.*

*The results were total BS, fabricated for the sole purpose of entertainment value.

Here’s what my team of highly-qualified experts had to say:

If You Like Conversation Hearts: 

You’re a Lonely Mom, so wrapped up in your children’s lives that you spend zero time socializing with human beings who are capable of wiping their own butts. You’re literally HUNGRY for adult conversation—even if that “conversation” consists of a lame-ass “U R Special” stamped on a chalky lump of corn syrup.

It’s time to get out, Mama.

It may also be time to spice up your sex life. Or just, you know, have a sex life again. Especially if that sugarcoated “Wink Wink” is the most action you’ve seen this month.

If Assorted Truffles Fit Your Fancy: 

You’re a Spunky Mom who relishes spontaneity and the thrill of the unknown. You like to take the kids on impromptu adventures, tossing them in the minivan and just driving wherever that Honda Odyssey takes you.  

The park? Yes, the park! Who cares if it’s winter, and the slides are covered in ice? It’s all good. When the kids go flying off the end, they’ll land safely in those giant snow drifts.

Chuck-E-Cheese? Hell yeah! Where a kid can be a kid! And a mom can go bankrupt buying tokens, all so her kids can earn enough tickets to buy cheap plastic kazoos. And then she can listen to them THE WHOLE WAY HOME!

Liquor store? Kids, wait in the car. Mama will be right back.

Fun is great, but don’t overdo it. When you spend too much time living on the edge, you’re bound to fall—or be pushed—off of it eventually.

If You Love Dove:

You’re a Zen Mom who craves peace and strives to create a tranquil environment for your children. You spend your days wrapped up in infinity scarves, sipping herbal tea from a mug that says something inspirational, like “Today I choose joy.”

You own the entire Mommy-and-Me Yoga DVD series, and you cherish your relaxation time with your little yogis-in-training.

Tranquility is nice, but don’t forget to vent now and then. It’s okay to lose your shit when the toddler eats your favorite aromatherapy candle. Just flip him the finger while you’re in Mountain Pose. He won’t notice, and we won’t tell. 

If You're A Sucker For Heart-Shaped Suckers: 

You are THAT MOM. The pushover. The literal SUCKER. (You know what they say: You are what you eat.) All your kid has to do is look at you with those puppy-dog eyes, whisper “I wub you, Mama,” and you’ll let him have whatever the hell he wants.

This is a tough case that calls for tough love: Stop letting your kid turn you into his little bitch. 

If You're Nuts For Nuts: 

You’re a Kooky Mom. Some might even call you a tad unhinged. You say things like “If you don’t stop fighting, I’m going to coat your lips in superglue and shove your faces together. AND THEN YOU’LL BE STUCK KISSING ONE ANOTHER FOREVER. BWAHAHAHA.”

And then you might actually do it.

Be careful not to cross the line between a little nutty and full-blown crazy. It’s gonna be damn hard to eat those Ferrero Rochers if you’re wearing a straitjacket.

If You're Hungry For Hershey:

You’re a Martyr Mom, always sacrificing your own happiness for that of your children. You don’t think you deserve “nice things,” so you settle for crap.

But how can I justify downing a $30 box of pretentious truffles when little Johnny Dearest has been eyeing that new Duplo set? We’re not made of money, and Hershey bars are, like, A DOLLAR. Besides, if I close my eyes and don’t think about it too much, I can almost get past the fact that I’m basically chewing on a chocolate-scented candle.

Oh Mama. You are worth so much more than that.

Stop settling. Stop settling for that shit-colored wax that Hershey calls “chocolate.” Stop settling for Daniel Tiger reruns when Channing Tatum is on Ellen. Stop settling for half-eaten dino nuggets, greasy hair, and weeklong shower hiatuses.

(No, seriously: Go take a shower. We can smell you through the computer screen.)

If Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Makes Your Sweet Tooth Sing:

YOU ARE MAMA, HEAR YOU ROAR! Welcome to the Dark Side. You’ve sampled the sweet, seductive taste of power, and you’re never going back.

What’s that, Sugarplum? You want a cookie? THEN FINISH THOSE BABY CARROTS! And in the meantime, you can sit there and watch ME eat this Oreo! NOM NOM NOM!


Oh, you’re SLEEEEEPY? SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK! Now stop whining and do some burpees! No, not BURPING IN MY FACE. Gross; you stink. Nevermind. GO DO SOME PULLUPS!

Try dialing it down a notch every once in a while. Remember, Darth Vader’s power trip destroyed his relationship with his kids. Besides, can you imagine trying to drink wine through that bulky mask he wears?

Speaking of wine…

If You're A Big Fat WINE-er:

You are a Creative Mom who knows how to think outside the box. (Just not outside the WINE box yet.) Sure, wine isn’t technically “candy,” but so what? You can get it sweet, white, or red. And you’ve heard it’s good for your HEART! That’s Valentinesy enough for you.

You deserve that glass of liquid love. We know you spent the whole day wiping pee off the floor, listening Mickey Mouse’s gratingly high-pitched voice shouting “Toodles,” and stepping on Matchbox cars.

We feel you, Mama, and we don’t judge.


Our team of experts here at BTMB wishes you a Happy Valentine’s Day, filled with whatever candy fits your fancy.

And please remember to SHARE SHARE SHARE! (The post, duh: like we'd ever suggest you share your candy.)


  1. Wine and chocolates always make my Valentine's Day a success :)