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Monday, July 27, 2015

28 Signs You're a Mom Suffering From 90s Fever

Did you grow up in the 90s? If so, you're probably not over it. After all, 90s pop culture included some of the most superfly, hella-awesome fads ever, and they likely shaped you into the person you are today.

If you're a mom, you might find your affinity for all things 90s influencing how you interact with (or how you act around) your kids.

Here are 28 signs that you're a mom suffering from 90s fever:

1. You have Lip Smackers hidden strategically throughout the house. Definitely your drug of choice. Should you find yourself in need of a fix, you know exactly where to find them: stashed in drawers, purses, empty tampon wrappers—anywhere that’s easily accessible to you, yet hidden from the greedy mouths of hungry toddlers, who assume they taste as good as they smell.


2. Whenever you find yourself in possession of a partially used can of frosting, you crack open a box of Teddy Grahams. Because you could Dunkaroo all day.

3. On more than one occasion, your kids have looked at you like you need to be institutionalized for your dance moves. It’s called The Macarena, yo, and it’s hip to the diggity.

4. Speaking of music with jibberish lyrics, all your favorite songs sound like they’re sung by the minions from Despicable Me. I'm blue da ba dee da ba daa, Mmmbop, ba duba dop ba du bop, I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah.

5. And you still find yourself wondering, Where HAVE all the cowboys gone?

6. Your running shoes look like they were made by Lisa Frank. Number one rule of running shoes: Don’t buy them based on color. Sure, sure. BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THESE?


7. While we’re on the topic of The Neon Goddess: When you take your kids back-to-school shopping, you try to persuade them to get all Lisa Frank stuff. And when you find her brightly colored animals in the sticker aisle, you have to get some, especially if they have the dolphin ones. After all, they make the perfect adornments for your MASH games.


8. Speaking of school supplies, no one seems very impressed with your rubber pencil trick. It’s okay. At least you know it’s dope.

9. And in addition to saying things like “dope,” you’ve embarrassed your kids on several occasions by dropping phrases from Clueless in public. “You want me to spend 60 bucks on a pair of hole-ridden jeans that look like they were spray-painted on you? As if!

10. You mourn the days when Polly could actually fit in your pocket. This may coincide with number 6:

11. You mourn the days when pockets were more than ¼ inch deep. And when jeans weren't designed to fit like sausage casing. And waist bands actually covered your waist, allowing you to bend over without sounding like a Rice Krispies commercial: Snap (oops, just busted a seam),CRACKle (hello, butt cleavage), and Pop (there goes a button)!

12. You sometimes hide your gum in old Band-Aid boxes. It’s not quite the same as the original Ouch gum, but it’s the closest you can get since Hubba Bubba’s traumatic packaging redesign.


13. Occasionally, when your husband walks into the room, you ask him, “How you doin’?” Seriously, why haven’t they made a Friends movie yet? Sex and the City got TWO, dammit.

14. You are appalled by the super-cartoonized versions of Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, and Rainbow Brite. Why? Why are their heads so disproportionately large to their bodies? What the hell happened to Shreeky and Beastly? (I know these came out in the 80s, but you probably still watched them growing up.)

15. Sometimes, when you’re at the playground, you find the highest point, stand on it, put your arms out, and proclaim, “I’m flying, Jack!” And later, at the pool, you may just stand at the edge of the deck, take your kid’s hand, and say, “You jump, I jump, remember?”

16. Stepping on Legos brings back painful flashbacks of stepping on butterfly clips. It also makes you nostalgic for Claire’s, and may even compel you to swing by to look for a few tattoo choker necklaces next time you’re out.

17. You’ve told your kids that Facebook is nowhere near as cool as Xanga. Their response to this was probably something like, “Is Xanga a video game? Can we get it?”

18. You don’t like reading books that don’t have gold binding. There are generally only three exceptions to this rule: (1) All the gold has worn off, and the binding has faded to silver, (2) They are part of the Magic Treehouse series, or (3) Harry Potter. Because LONG LIVE THE BOY WHO LIVED!


19. You lobby to the school board to reintroduce Parachute Day in PE. And then ask to chaperone a class.

20. You occasionally sniff your kids’ crayons, hoping they’ll smell like Yankee Candles. And then to alleviate your disappointment when they don’t, you make black crayon etchings with them as artistic therapy.

21. You may or may not have thrown your kid’s VTech Race Car down the stairs, hoping it would make its way down like a slinky. You probably knew it wouldn’t, but you’re just so flippin' tired of hearing Rob the racecar driver saying, “Let’s drive fast!”

Okay, let’s be honest: You were just trying to break the damn thing.

22. You still roll up one leg of your sweat pants. Or, depending on your lounge pant preferences, one leg of your yoga pants.

23. You distribute chewable medicine tablets to your kids with a Pez dispenser. And you’ve got plenty of them to choose from.


24. You get your old Beanie Baby collection out “for the kids to play with.” And then freak out if anyone rips off a tag.

25. When you’re mad, you sometimes glance down at your wedding ring to see if it’s changed colors. White must mean disappointed.

26. When you go out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant with the fam, you're really tempted to put rubber pencil grips on your chopsticks.

27. The sight of a black cherry warhead gives you PTTD (Post Traumatic Tongue Disorder). It’s like you can feel it splitting all over again.

28. And, sometimes, when you eat around your kids, you set up folders so they can't see what you're doing. "Eyes on your own paper...er...I mean...meal! Or we won't be playing Heads Up, Seven Up...er...I mean...at the playground later!"


Unfortunately, there is currently no known cure for the Mommy Strain of 90s Fever.

But popping a few frosting-dipped Teddy Grahams into your Lip Smackered mouth certainly couldn't hurt.

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